Lydia Educates Mary
by Darthmat
Summary: Lydia, realizing that Mary is indeed a sister to her, decides to teach her the ways of the world. The world of flirtatious females, to be exact. Oneshot.


Lydia sat down on the couch in the sitting room, exhausted after a long day of flirting in Meryton, and noticed Mary was reading intently on another piece of furniture; it was quite disturbing to Lydia. Her nose was actually _inside_ of the book.

"Mary, you do realize we aren't getting any younger."

"Lydia," Mary sighed as she closed her book, "I have come to realize a great many things in my days, one of them being that time in fact does not move backward."

"Are _you_ mocking _me,_ Mary?"

"Mockery is but a function of the action of speaking, Lydia. Don't be so sensitive, it's quite unbecoming."

"What?" Lydia was flabbergasted. "_You_ lecturing _me_-"

"We've already established the parties engaging in the conversation-"

"- on what is becoming? Mary, look at yourself! You're intolerable!"

"By what measure?"

"By a man's!" shouted Lydia triumphantly.

"Oh, how can I bear to live with myself, given such a harsh judgment, handed down by _the_ _authority_ on what men think!"

"Don't kid yourself! You know you-" suddenly realizing there was a compliment within the sentiment, Lydia's tone changed. "Why, thank you, Mary, I do like to consider myself an expert on men's wants and desires."

"My intent was no where's near flattering you, I guarantee you that."

Still gleeful from her male-crazed ego being boosted, Lydia continued, totally ignoring what Mary said. "Come, Mary, tell me; have you ever met a man that caught your eye?"

Mary's complexion took on a slightly darker shade as thoughts of Mr. Collins arose in her mind. "There is one such gentleman…"

"You must tell me! Who?"

"It matters not," sighed Mary. "He is in love with another."

"Are his intentions serious?" Lydia did her best not to probe for the man's identity, never before had Mary revealed herself to be human before, and she surely did not want to chase this mood away.

"Yes, but to be honest, I don't think she much cares about him…"

"Well, then why not do your best to attract him?" Lydia asked.

"His feelings for her are indescribably strong; he worships the grounds upon which she walks."

Feeling sympathy for Mary, which she had never before felt for her sister, she decided to try and brighten her spirits. "Come, Mary, let us play a game. It's a little silly, but it's some of the best fun I've had with other ladies. We will both pretend I am a handsome gentleman – an officer, preferably, - and you will flirt with me!"

"Oh, Lydia, I don't think I'm equipped! Never before have I flirted with a man – I've scarcely spoken to the other sex!"

"Nonsense, any lady is capable." Attempting to summarize her highly tuned tactics in one sentence, for _Mary_, no less, Lydia said "just remember – as long as he hears things that indicate that he would be capable of tolerating you for the rest of your lives together, he'll be pleased!"

"Fine, I will indulge you."

"Mary!" should Lydia with shock. "A man hardly wants a plump woman, let alone one who would _eat _him!"

"What? We've begun?"

"Yes! And you're doing quite poorly thusfar. Come on, I know you've got the potential!"

"Well then. Officer Col..." she just barely caught herself "Officer Coleman. How has your day treated you thusfar?"

Lydia, failing at suppressing her giggles due to her newly found gruff voice, replied through the titters "quite w- hehe – ell, th- hehe- ank you." Finally, bursting out into laughter. "Oh, I apologize Mary. Here, allow me to commence again." Getting her husky impersonation under control, she said, "Quite well, thank you. And you, Miss…"

"Miss Mary Bennet. Tell me, Officer Coleman, when you read a book, do you like to write down the passages you most enjoy?"

Lydia, deciding to get her one more chance after such a terrible beginning, replied "It's not my favorite thing to do…"

"And then when you write then down, you commit them to memory, and share them with all that you are acquainted!"

Last try, for real this time. "No…"

"Really? I adore doing so! Here, let me give you a few hundred."

"MARY!" cried Lydia with fury. "I QUIT! YOU ARE INTOLERABLE, UNSOCIABLE, AND WILL NEVER FIND YOURSELF A MAN THAT LOVES YOU!"

Storming up the stairs, Lydia marched to her room, and upon arriving there, slammed the door, and focused on her clothing. Mary, remembering why engaging with books was so much better than engaging with other people, began to read, write, and memorize. It seems all had returned to normal in Longbourn.


End file.
